Overthink then facing the reality after thinking too much be like

Im standing behind my umbrella in a long sunny day

And one day
Im standing in the rain getting wet while holding my broken umbrella

The worst part of being me

Gatau worst apa engga
Cuman
Punya toleransi ke orang yg terlalu tinggi
Walau mungkin orang itu sebenernya gak layak dibegitukan.

Dan masih aja berpikir sepositif mungkin ke orang.
Walau orang itu merendahkanmu.

Dengan membalikkan kesalahan ke diri sendiri.
You just dont love yourself, kai

30 september 2016

Gatau kenapa malem ini so menye
Cuman nonton film langsung night thinking
Yah sering sih
Et causa kikai overthink
Di kosan kalo sendiri ya begini

Atau
Mungkin karena kalender sudah dalam masa makan banyak, suka migren, suka menye
Means
P
M
S

-----------------------------
Btw
Satu tahun yg lalu tgl 1okt aku sidang hahaha. Penting. Krik krik. Oke good night.

last hope-paramore

this song, just so me right now. hmp...
---------------------------------------------

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive

Alive

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing.....

will be fine, someday

Back again

Night thinking

Day dreaming

Malem ini lagi random.

Ngereview film dulu bentar deh

Jadi tadi sore

Eh wait. Ngereview koas dulu.

Jadi hari ini memulai stase baru yaitu gigi mulut. Stase yang kerjannya meratapi dinding. Yah selama 2,5 minggu kedepan semoga ada manfaat dan lulus. Aamiin

Dan yah karena lagi gilut, ini gak ada guilty pleasure lagi, bisa bebas nonton film. Kalo di stase lain kan ngerasa bersalah kalo santai santai haha

Oke jadi tadi pertama nonton Thor: the dark word. Film lama sih. Banget. Aku aja yg ketinggalan dan ga sempet nonton kemaren dan finally download sendiri.

Overall kalo mau ngasih nilai udah pasti lulus lah. Diatas 71 nilai B.

Marvel. Unbeatable.

Sbnernya cuma mau bilang aja, ini film sumpah lah bikin nangis terharu danbisa juga bikin super ngakak banget ah oh dear loki. Tapi tetep kesan heroiknya dapet dan dari awal sampe akhir ceritanya konstan seru. Ga kek beberapa film superhero lain yang aga monoton, pokoknya thor the best deh. Sayang aja gatau sampe detik ini aku masih ga nyaman liat muka chris hemsworth, entah dia salah apa, pernah main apa yang aku gasuka, tapi tetep ga sreg aja liatnya. Yah sejenis kikai terhadap lily Collins -_-

Next nonton mr and mrs smith

Dulu aku pikir ini film romance.

Dan aku jujur sangat kurang tertarik film romance

Gatau kenapa

Mungkin karena selama ini belom ada film romance yang berhasil menyentuh, fault in our star pun….biasa aja -_- me before you juga biasa aja. mo sedih sekalian nonton film kartun aja kalo meurutku mah

Atau mungkin my love experiences are mooore complicated that what people describes in film, love isn’t that simpe, so…. Terlalu menye dan dibuat-buat mah film cinta-cinta itu…

Oke back to topic, sampe aku nemu di google dan ternyata ini film action. Okeh jadi ditonton.

Dan yang main brad pitt dan Angelina jolie, pas bener mereka sekarang lagi berseteru aa so sad :’(((

Oke.

Pada udah nonton pasti kan ya.

Pokoknya intinya ada suami istri. Yah si pitt dan jolie ini, 5/6 tahun nikah tapi flat. Ternyata mereka itu dua duanya sama sama spy, sama sama nyembunyiin identitas mereka dan konfilknya adalah pas mereka sama sama udah tau identitas masing masing.

Gitudeeeeh.

Seriously aku aga sedih di pas bagian mereka berantem

Kayak…

Oh god, you both married but you want to kill each other

Just like…………

Love is just a setting for a silly game.

/galau lagi/

Just sick of any love stories.

Haha oke pokoknya itu ceritanya happy ending. Tenang aja.

Walau sempet ada script begini haha.

Udah so kikai setelah nonton itu jadi terdiam.

Ngilu

Pernah ngerasain sakit perasaan sampe kulit kulitnya ngerasa ngilu?

Nah.

Truly I don’t believe in love. Anymore.

Not only about lovers ya

I mean….

Any kind of love in this life

Love of family

Love of friends

I lost too much

And I just don’t have someone to count.

Sad. Yes?

So much

There are so many things that happen in last 10 years since my biggest lost.

And after that, much fears haunted me.

For real, I always dream about her idk why, almost every day.

Yeah……..Last night is still about her.

I just can’t take her off my unconscious mind, maybe

Or my fears are uncountable and marked

Time just can’t heal

And also

Since in college, lovers come and go and failed.

And they never end smoothly

Until now.

Friends, too.

And I’m just keep blaming myself for what already happened to me

Everything

Sick

And drown deeper. Deeper everyday

And I start to lost my hope in everything, lost my expectations to anyone

I never expect someone to be fine with me

I’m fine with my loneliness

I’m become more realistic. No feeling.

Idk, such a good condition, or just pathetic

And the only one thing that keeps me going is God.

I always believe God still loves me

God know I’m alone

And in some conditions, God always warn me, teach me, tell me, and protect me, because no human can do this to me. Now.

Thanks

God.

Mungkin ini bukan tulisan yang bagus

Kalo bagus udah aku ikutin lomba esay ilmiah.

Emang

Udah dibilang isi blog ini cuman curlay

Im tired of faking my smile

Im drowning tonight in my own tears

God tonight im not strong enough to face everything

I start to miss everything

I miss my mom

I miss my dad

I miss my home

and, you.

Semoga ga ketemu orang kayak kikai lagi ya

Im a fool.

Semoga bisa jadi lebih baik

I just want to be me,

And feel what I feel

tonight

God loves you

after all this time drowning in regret and guilty......

God loves you today, kai

He gives you someone
yes, actually always that-one
since your first scandal until your last problem

and yeah
changed the way i look about myself
told that i'm good,
worth enough to get happiness
and deserve soooooo much better than this

and stop blaming yourself, kai!!!
you are fine
and doing fine
and doing right
and will be fine

whatever they talked about you,
they cant define the real you
they dont know you at all
they just talk bad and wrong about you
there's nothing wrong with you, kai

yes since my first scandal
until my last problem

and always stand on my side no matter what

thanks, dude.
thanks for boosting my self confidence.

maybe i just need someone who will stop me for creating my own monsters inside of me

Save a life

Iseng mo review lagu

Jadi lagi buka laptop dan buka file music.

Ini lagu mulai dari jaman SD sampe recently sekarang ada semua
Dan kebuka folder punk goes pop

Menyadari bahwa ada 2 lagu yang aku suka
A day to remember - over my head
The word alive - heartless

Dan ternyata kedua lagu itu berasal dari penyanyi yg sama.

THE FRAY. YAAAY

Yang nyanyi how to save a life.

Dan pas denger aslinya emang ga seasik coveran. Yaiyalah dicover punk begitu
But so classic and easy listening.
Itu lagu tahun 2005 dan sekarang band nya ud ga ada lagi keknya. Telat banget kalo mau fans :"

Bolehkan aku merasakan perasaanku sendiri?

Too much pleasing people

I dont even appreciate my own feelings

Journey of sherlock holmes

you won.

i'm looking for you

you won.

google gives me everything about your whole life-networking.

terombang ambing

Dan walaupun tetesan rindu padamu akan menyeretku pada samudra yang luas

Biarkan aku tenggelam dalam kerinduan

Karena ketika kau datang menghampiriku

Bukan pertolongan yang akan kau berikan

Tetapi paksaan untuk bisa mengarungi lautan ini 

small think

I’ve getting numb about love

in life

Love of my family

Love of my mother

Love of my father

Numb

And stupid love

Of loving boys

In my teenager life

I haven’t life so long in this world

But I’m getting sick of love story

Trashy

Until someday I’m wondering how

People can stay together till the last time they breathe

Old couples who can shows their love to each other

They just get comfortable without pretending

Are they ever arguing for small things

Are they ever bored of their togetherness

Are they can accepting other’s flaws

Until when I know the answer

Someone says,

”Yes my parents is often yelling at each other, make matter of small things. But because they love each other, it will never separate them apart. Just like you, and your brother. You will protect your brother, love, and give care, whatever how annoying he is”

….you just haven’t met yours.

But someday

you will.

do not expect anything from anyone except God

feel surprised is so so so much better than disappointed

He knows the best for you

while you're not

accept anything that happen  in your life

both happiness and sadness

- me this year

- frustrated level: high

- self underestimated level: expert.

But at the end

Still

What’s the worst part of these moments?

.

.

You’ve lived in every song I heard.

This is too far

If finally we just ended with this arguments

And too deep

If finally we just hated each other

One year ago

We are better and fine.

I don’t know

Love build and love break

Love heal and love hurt

And in which love that we owned now?

At the end

I just realize that

God reflects you with the old me

Yes

I used to be looked and acted like you

And i'm regret it.

And here

Back again

Me

With my own fear

Of being not good enough for someone

For anyone

am i too complicated

or

what

This monster grows bigger

This depression traps me

This overthink situation in my mind

Crap.

I’m not tired of loving you

I’m tired of handling you anger

And now

I’m not afraid of rejection

I’m afraid of love

You

Unexpected story of love

Unexpected story of surprise

Unexpected story of relation in my family

You

Used to be my expectation of future

But you

Break myself and throw it away

Because you want you in me

And you never know how words often leave scars

And you don’t even know how depressed I am when you forced me to walk in your path while you never looked inside my mind

I don’t know who is more selfish

I know we’re both want happiness

Sadly, in different path

With the same end

We’re both in fear

We’re both in deep trauma

Maybe I’m not in a good condition of loving someone

And maybe you’re not in a good condition of accepting condition

How can be I’m in love when

I beg your apology because

You said I’m wrong not because

I realize I’m wrong

I will love you in easy love

Uncomplicated

I will love you with my way

But

Even I already show you my best

Being my self is not enough for you

Again?

Harus berkata seperti ini lagi kah aku?

This is the end of the listening comprehension.

Forever is just belong to God.
People lives in all temporary.

Mungkin aku lebih bergantung pada takdir bukan lagi bergantung pada manusia.

2:216
Give me the best destiny, God.

Selingan Koas?

Bila statusnya terbilang "bercanda"
Maka akan terus terasa lucu
Dan setidaknya memunculkan kebahagiaan

Semua. Hal.

Namun ketika statusnya berubah menjadi "serius"
Maka akan rumit.
Bukan mainan
Bukan untuk bahan tertawaan

Iya. Semua. Hal

Termasuk perasaan.

So, keep this steady stage as "bercanda" aja ya.
Karena yang serius kalo gak beneran serius itu gak bakalan lucu lagi.

Dont let me see your laugh
I fall in love in your happiness

Crap.

I think you notice
But you didnt

You think i didnt notice
But i did