he text her
he didnt ask me hows my life going
he didnt care with me
he asks another girl about his thesis meanwhile when i ask he didnt answer
i dont know who am i in his life
i am not special

i hope everything will be better, now
i hope You will give me the best, God

is it your plan, God?

why God challenges me
everything about you.

since the first time we met
why don't we just have normal convos?
why i accept another people than you?
why i open my eyes when everything already passed?

and then
why we should have night talk that changes everything?
why i should ruined your relation?
why why why why "yours" should take me as her friends?
why our relation is not only about me and you?

why i hesitate about you?
why people don't stand on my side?
why i should think to much about everything?
why it can't be easy for me?

why finally i let you go?

but
why i realize everything will be make sense with you?
why i regret about everything?
why i need and miss you so much?
why everything come when it is too late?

and when i want to meet you.

WHY YOU JUST GO ABOUT SEVERAL HOURS AGO?

shit.

2 days more 

waiting for you

to come back.

2 days more

sinking in this emptiness

so it is become numb

and empty

the end.

self calmer. reminder

dont afraid to be wrong

even you far away from right

we alwaya learn new things

you are not alone

everything will be back 

or changed into something better

as it written by god

sorry im too afaid to look for my destiny

i wait it to come to me

and finally, regret and guilty

until when you will shout your mouth to me
-------------------------------------------------------
kenapa semua lagu nyindir

kenapa semua film nyindir
kenapa semua quote tumblr nyindir.

iya kikai parah iya bego juga :(

hah kayak ada sakit sakitnya gitu.

But It's June

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
We just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
the way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did

Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

Hati

kumpulan untaian serat halus yang rapuh

yang akhir akhir ini menjadi mainanmu, bodoh.

I am not being me

Mental breakdown

is

When you start believe on something

But people mock at you

When you try to be kind

But you failed

You hurt him.

So, which way i should take?

...Or maybe just my overreact mind

In our private time,
You'll be fully mine

But when we face the world,
You belong to society.

Written in reverse

You are a beautiful sentence i wrote on my white paper with pen
Hard to erase because i believe in you
You will stay forever

Years and years passed

But when suddenly i know you're no longer want to stay there
I can't easily use eraser
But you should be removed

I just want to tear the paper
And tear my world

But
You're not worthy for it
Go get a pen correction
You're not belong in my life anymore

I let my paper be white again
Even it can't be fixed perfectly
It still left a mark

But i should go on and get my life
My life wouldn't stuck on the matter of you again and again

I should make a new sentences of memories

And left you behind

A new story without you

Jeng jeng

*makan pagi*
*aga males malesan, ambil piring plastik paling depan, ambil nasi, lauk, makan, nyuci*

*makan malem*
*masi males malesan, ambil piring yang tadi dipake pas pagi...*

Mbak un: pake piring yang beling lah ki.
Kiki: hmm.. /gapeduli/
Mbak un: ..soalnya piring yang itu sering dipake buat guguk.
Kiki: WHAAAT?! /ngacir balik ke dapur

I can't handle myself
I know this is so hard

That's why i never let people do it for me
Or even take so much part of it

19 years and regret

In a steady stage afraid to face the future.

Looking for any way to go back to the past.

I want to start all over again and fix all of my mistakes.

If only i can

About love, about study, about situations. About life.

God i just want to be happy

Why i feel so insecure right now

Why i should be so overthink. Why i should think too much. Feel too much. Afraid too much.

Afraid to hurt people, afraid to do anythng, afraid of society’s perception, afraid to make people hate me

Afraid to be left and lonely.

I’m underestimating myself.

God i just want to be happy

Why i can’t find anything to hang

Any home to live

Any place to go back and take a rest

Any love to feel

Why i feel so unwanted

Why i can't feel the same way with people who loves me so much

Yap. Can’t stop blaming myself again and again.

And God i just want to be happy

Even i have someone now

I’m afraid of affection or addiction

I’m afraid with feeling

I hate expecting something from someone.

And afraid to feel jealousy. Again.

Because i know it hurts

I lost my self.

Really lost the soul inside.

Tuhan, yang kali inilah, jangan turuti prasangka umatMu :(

Tuhan, bersihkan hatiku

Tuhan, tenangkan.

Bismillah. 

I need to find a new ace card

They take all of me
I have nothing left.
To hide
To hang

My own feelings

It hurts nobody but me.

Please
Be realistic, foolish heart!

Tidak semua orang mudah memperlihatkan sisi dalamnya.

Berikan kepercayaan
Maka kamu akan melihat dia yg sesungguhnya.

4am

Could i just close my eyes without wondering you?

Could i stop wishing you will be fully mine?

Yes
Yes i should make distance with you

But
No
No i really hate people who talk bad about you :(

I never change my goal to you

I just change my plan.

May 14.

Even maybe you never read this.

I just want you to know

I hate the way you're thinking

How dare you blame my feelings
While i'm trying to act like usual when people judge me everytime I'm with you
While I'm afraid to hurt you so i did everything that makes you happy.
While i'm trying to stop my mind from thinking negative

Because i know
you've done so much for me.

But you stay in the green area
While I'm in danger

People will never see you but me
People will never judge you but me
She never hate you but me

But you never understand.

And how dare you
To blame my feeling

Which already grows into you.

Dear trouble maker.

It's 3am
And i think about you
And everything about you start being hurt
And it means i start loving you.

Happy
Me.

cramp.

You don’t always have to pretend to be strong.

There’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking. Cry if you need to. It’s good to cry out all your tears (because only then will you be able to smile again).

Who makes matter?

Yes, me.

Drowning in someone’s feeling

..with million trouble behind.

Who makes matter?

Yes, me

(maybe) ignoring someone who loves me so much.

Who makes matter?

Yes, me

Feeling guilty when i can't give happiness to the one who gives me much.

Who makes matter?

Yes, me.

Regret and hesitate all of the things i’ve done.

The show is over

People come and go
Only the faith to the God will never leave you alone.

They never put you in priority. While you think about them too much.
You only have yourself to blame

I'm tired to impress people.

Why does every moments have to be so hard?

Emang ceritanya jodoh ditangan Tuhan. harusnya gausah dipusingin sih.

Ngegalau macam ini memang ga pernah ada ujungnya.

Lagi lagi cerita ini lagi.

Lagi lagi civil war perasaan dan pikiran

yang mana yang benar. dan lebih diprioritaskan

“sekali-sekali kamu harus egois kai” kata seseorang.

Egois means mentingin diri sendiri. ga peduli orang lain.

Means harus aku yang bahagia.

Means, berlari ke seseorang yang mau menangkapku.

Means bersama orang yang bisa provide hal yang baik buat aku.

Yang mikirin aku. Yang perjuangin aku.

Yang bikin aku merasa dihargai.

Di sisi lain.

Egois means mentingin diri sendiri

Milih mana yang kamu mau.

Simpel.

Berarti.

Aku masih mau kamu.

Walaupun. Bagaimanapun.

Berpindah itu kata yang mudah diucapkan tapi sulit dilakukan, kan?

Ya.

Sekuat apapun kamu berlari, ternyata tujuanmu belum bisa berubah, kai.

Ternyata kamu berlari di tempat

Walau

Walau seseorang mengajakmu lari lebih jauh

Tapi kamu takut

Takut untuk bersamanya melewati rintangan tajam

Untuk beberapa saat dia terlihat yang terbaik

Kau lupakan cerita lalunya

Kau liat dia sekarang yang selalu ada, yang mengerti, yang menerima apa adanya, yang berjuang, yang semua. Tanpa kekurangan.

Tapi tetap seperti ada yang salah dari sudut pandang yang kau pakai.

Dan sampai sekarang pun, selelah apapun kau berlari.

Kau masi disana, kai.

Dan kau masih kelelahan.

Mengejar sesuatu tapi di dalam satu lingkaran yang sama

Gatau mana yang bener.

Gatau mana yang harus diturutin.

Gatau mana yang lebih menyakitkan

Gatau mana yang lebih baik untuk diri sendiri.

Cepat atau lambat,

Pasti semua sakit.

Kapanpun itu tapi pasti bakal dateng waktunya.

hey april.

What is love?

Love is bastard

I really don’t give a fuck about that

If only people understand what happen inside my heart

If only people walk in my path

I have nobody to love

Or a home to keep me save

I want you to keep me

But you deny

He wants to keep me

But the world shouts the big no

He really wants to keep me

Maybe he can be my best keeper

But the world judge me hard.

comfort zone

He may beg for your attention now

He may adore you

But you never look him with your eyes

Just because you still love someone else

Then when he’s already tired to try

You can’t force him to stay

... If you don’t give him the opportunity

Just because you still love someone else

And when he walks away..

That’s his choice

Even when you start to feel something different about him

Even when sometimes you think him

And if

Someday

you realize you need him more than anyone

That’s the risk you should take, kai

You start to miss him

Stupid brain, fool heart

They already decide, now

They should feel and think about the pain

Someday, maybe you will hear me singing.

‘Cause if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me.

And your heart start to wonder where on this earth i could be

Thinking maybe you come back into the place that we meet

And you see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I’m not moving

not a liar, just dishonest.

I can’t understand your attitude

You shout your mind outside

but you are defending

you do your effort in silent
but you never tell me the truth

It’s like stabbing me

And act fine to me 

You

I don’t hate the fact of mirror feeling inside us

I don't blame you if you want to steal the sight, too

That's your right

But

I don’t like

When you play

Not in front of me.

---------------------------
I hate the fact I changed my perspective about you
just because this matter.

hah, stupid heart

Dan yang disesali kalo kamu makan pas posisi lagi laper banget
Itu
Adalah

Cepet kenyang

Dan cepet laper lagi

Dan
Pas makan cepet kenyang lagi

Jadi makannya dikit

Jadi gak gendut gendut :(

Don't blame my overthink ability, blame The Imitation Game which makes me analyze something too deep

You may agreed
You can think properly and feel finely
We use our brain to think
We use our heart to feel

And in some random condition
Just like, love
Heart may takes much part in our daily living
We feel too much
We lost our mind

And sometimes when you should think clearly

When you feel so wrong to use more feeling than well thinking
You will use your brain
You will decrease your ability to feel
You will make sure everything will be alright 

and you realize your heart has done something wrong before
You will think your brain wins
And you wont feel anything, again.

But
Do you ever realize
Heart will do its function
As the command from the brain

You feel happy, you feel sad.
It’s based on your brain

So, i still haven’t sure my brain is really did his job great, yet

It may be start being rational from now
Or,

Just wait until the brain do its order to heart, again.

I hate to realize

I still down in other people's happiness
In many aspects.

When will my time come?

You

This is the reason

You are stubborn and childish
You never feel sorry about anything
You can't admit when everything is not going as you want
You can't understand other's feeling and understand the conditions
You can't place yourself
You can't impress anyone

You want to be the winner
And be loved by everyone

This is
Why everything is going worse in your life

If only you know
If only you know i want you to understand and start to change your mind

If only I'm not so loving you so i shouldn't take this problem seriously

If only.

2015

Back again. Welcome 2015
There's no much differences between last year
I'm still in medical school

Still think too much
Everytime i listen to sad songs
Everytime i look tumblr
Everytime i see your smile